Letter from Satan

I realised something when I read this.
It stings my heart that sometimes, I do walk very closely with the devil...

A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN
I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores.You are so unthankful, I like that about you.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living, Fool, you are mine.

Remember, you and I have been going steady for years, and I still don't love you yet.
As a matter of fact, I hate you, because I hate God.

He kicked me out of heaven, and I'm going to use you as long as possible to pay him back.

You see, Fool, GOD LOVES YOU and HE has great plans in store for you

But you have yielded your life to me, and I'm going to make your life a living hell.

That way, we'll be together twice. This will really hurt God.

Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had.

We have been...
watching dirty movies,
cursing people out,
stealing, lying, being hypocritical, fornicating, overeating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental,
back stabbing people, disrespecting adults, and those in leadership positions, no respect for the Church, bad attitudes.
SURELY you don't want to give all this up.

Come on, Fool, let's burn together forever. I've got some hot plans for us.

This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you.
I'd like to say 'THANKS' for letting me use you for most of your foolish life.

You are so gullible, I laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, you give in

HA HA HA, you make me sick.

Sin is beginning to take its toll on your life. You look 20 years older, and now, I need new blood.

So go ahead and teach some children how to sin.
All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink while under-aged, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live being as selfish as possible.

Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that.

Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back in a couple of seconds to tempt you again.
If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess your sins, and live for God with what little bit of life that you have left.

It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming a bit ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

P.S. If you love me, you won't share this...

BYEBYE :):):)

This blogger account must be too old... can't add in or edit features that are available in the new accounts! So off to ANOTHER greener pasture i go!

http://justfourlaughs.blogspot.com/

see u there, kailuo n derek.... my ONLY viewers haha..

LOTR in hokkien

This is a video about Smeagol and Frodo's secret love relationship, that was NEVER known! ;)

SUPER FUNNY!!! A must-watch.

Revisitation cuz of ICT......

What a cutie! :) ICT lesson... the BEST so far. THIS IS REALLY ENGAGING. hohoho...

Coffee indulgence... Kailuo and I are 'overtaken' by it! Eeks! :s

Up, up and away!

Thanks to tech-savvy friends like jon who help computer-idiotic sister-in-Christ(s), aka me,
I have moved to

Greener Pastures

Haha!
see ya there!
:)

"Could I Ever" by planetshakers

I want to share the tune that's been playing in my head :)

Joel.Shawn, Kit Yee.me, me.Joel.Shawn

I had dinner with 1/2 of my Foolz cell tonight at Rail Mall, and it was good hearing about their lives at JC. Joel has transported from volleyball to hockey(and he's the captain!), Shawn ventured into canoeing (and has a REALLY weird diet now--he thinks mushrooms r bad for health..?!?!?!), and Kit Yee can't stop laughing over her clownish classmates (haha, really reminds me of MY clownish classmates. actually, wait. I was the clown haha!).

And I am really proud of them for making it to JC cuz i know they worked really hard during their O's, and in some strange way, i still feel very much like their mama.

Of course, a young, pretty mama. ;)

But rather aunty-ish. URGH.

Kiddos, if you're reading this, remember: once a fool, always a fool.

And of course, not just any other fool, but a FOOL for CHRIST! Lose yourself, that you might gain EVERYTHING in Him =)

Change. Tracy Chapman

Change. Tracy Chapman.

If you knew that you would die today
Saw the face of God and love

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart

When you're down so low that you cannot fall

Would you change?

Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?

How many losses? how much regret?

What chain reaction would cause an effect?

Makes you turn around

Makes you try to explain

Makes you forgive and forget,

Makes you change

Makes you change

If you knew that you would be alone

Knowing right, being wrong,

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth

That brings a pain that can't be soothed

Would you change?

Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?

How many losses? How much regret?

What chain reaction would cause an effect?

Makes you turn around

Makes you try to explain

Makes you forgive and forget,

Makes you change

Makes you change

Are you so up right

You can't be bent

If it comes to blows

Are you so sure you won't be crawling

If not for the good why risk falling

Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know

Makes your life unbearable

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow

And hard times come to bring you down

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,

If you saw the face of God and loved

Would you change?

Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and loved

If you saw the face of God and loved

Would you change?

Would you change?

------------------------

I got this song from jenn a long time ago and i've been listening to it since, but it was only in May that the lyrics really made sense to me. I think it's spectacular and such a bold challenge. So in-your-face.
It really reminds me of the ones i've lost, all of whom i love so dearly and miss so much, yet am so helpless about. I pray for you each time i remember you, and i won't give up.
May it speak to our hearts, whether it be for ourselves or the ones you're fighting for.
Let's not stop asking, seeking and knocking for them.

Hope on, for He...IS Hope.

;)

*Get the MP3 from me if you're interested. :)

E.E.Cummings, Ervina and Emotions.

Visiting joel's blog led me remember this poem that Sis Ervina read during her farewell speech at YA Service. It was so beautiful and touching that she cried; and i cried. The comical and giggly demeanor that she almost always maintains simply hides the emotional ernie that she really, truly is. :) i am so glad to have known her, even if it's in such a "second-hand" fashion, i am privileged. hopefully i'll find a chance to stay at her place someday, in perth. :)

For now, i leave you to enjoy this amazing poem. E.E.Cummings is really good with his poems, most of them at least. Check him out when u surf the web and have nothing valuable to do. :) It's more valuable than watching youtube videos about Fann Wong and Christopher Lee's romance. Haha!

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
not fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows


higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- E. E. Cummings
(Complete Poems, 1904-1962)

Sunday, 16th Sept

top row frm left:
radiant Suhui Jie, sweetiepie Rach n tired jeanie, Amanda n i after countless shots, gathering of the beauties short of suhui jie
mid row frm right:
lovely worship leader Amanda n i (again), gotcha ANNABEL!, stickfacetog suhui jie n i
bottom row frm left:
jeanie tighthug annabel!, tedbaker fan n tedbaker friend, annabel's chinny chin chin

And so, Carissa's 5th Birthday Party. And i didn't take a single shot with her! Haha...

this world's impossible without You, Jesus

...the Greatness of My Father's Love

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

- Luke 15:8-10

& my selfish mind Enlightened...

"Freely you have received, freely give. "

- Matthew 10:8b

Eugenia

Eugenia, my tuition kid.

Eugenia has not been getting it easy from me this year. I had not been careful with my expectations until i realised i have been highly and easily unhappy with her. And i bet she had not been looking forward to tuition cuz i was quick to anger and slow to encourage.

Then one day i lamented to my mum about Eugenia, telling her that the girl's been underperforming and i do not know how to motivate her anymore. I have even contemplated giving her up. Jeanie, the throw-in-the-towel champion. :( And so i ended my complaints to my mum, admitting, "i think i am expecting too much from her."
And mum said, "Then don't expect so much from her lor..."

Such simple words, basically negating my previous statement, but it reminded me that expectations kill the expector. The following tuition i went to Eugenia's and begin to embrace the mistakes she made, and of course sometimes i would still feel irritated with the careless errors, but i told myself to face her the same way i did when i first saw her: no expectations, contented with little improvements, +motivational phrases & -negative remarks.

It was an enjoyable lesson and i ended the lesson with photo-taking.

Indeed, Eugenia is a beautiful young girl who i give thanks for. She has not had an easy childhood, yet she's emerging from it mature rather than malicious. She has a very kind heart and is generous with me--never complaining when i use her colour-glitter pens to mark her work (and we all know how precious colour-glitter pens were to us girls when we were young). And again, i must never forget why i want to stick on with her; never forget what i want to leave with her; never forget the love that i want to give to her.

May God grant this wretched soul of mine....the Strength.

He coos, he laughs, he gurgles... He's the darling of my heart ;)

Cayden has grown!! :) Look at him now, such a cutie pie. This was caught right after his feeding and he was oh-so-contented! ;)

Cayden really, really makes his ah mai smile. And i could dedicate Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing" just for this nephew of mine man. Just watching him sleep is such contentment for me....each time when i am stressed, or anxious, or just vexed, i'll go to Cayden to get my mind chugging on again. But well, sometimes watching him in such a calm state makes me wanna fall asleep in his sort of bliss too. Haha...

For the past 3days Cayden had not been passing motion, and we were all worried. Fearful about what it might do to his health, helpless about all the discomfort he would be feeling and unsure about what we could do to improve the situation.

This morning, I prayed. It was a very simple prayer:
"Lord, please have Your Hand upon Cayden's bowels so that he can shit again."

And i really shouldn't be surprised at what happened 30min later...
"Click!" went my phone. An sms from Jie goes:
"I'm v happy to announce tt cayden has passed motion! All came out in 2 -mayb 3- explosions, there was so much tt it overflowed to bedsheet!" 23-May-2007, 10:13am.
Haha abit too gross but look, he got a great release from that 'explosion'! Haha..
Immediately I shared with Jie that i had prayed. She said she did too! How awesome it is to have a great God who cares about our every need :D

;) I thank God cuz this brought to my remembrance that Cayden is so loved by God and he is truly a gift from my Heavenly Father. His birth is not by chance and truly it's by God's grace for everyday that Cayden is with us. :) From the time we found out about Cayden, i've been praying that this precious baby of ours will have a heart that seeks God and serve Him all the days of his life. Can't wait!

In the same way, when you're reading this, i pray you'll remember that every breath you take is evidence of God's passion for you! Don't ever think you're unworthy or useless cuz if Jesus loves you so much to give it all just for you, you must really be SOMEONE... :)

there are so many many many things on my mind
and they keep swirling round and round

i am spending 70% on an aspect of life that should only be apportioned 30%.
can you guess what?

i am hating something of others that i enjoy doing so much myself.
can you guess what?

i find myself in moments that absolutely contradict the condition of the settings.
can you guess what?

"Be vigilant, jeanie
because you know the devil is like a prowling lion, waiting to devour you.
in all that you're weak
in all that you always subtly get sucked into
in all that you are mostly unaware about"

And.
....how are you doing?
it's hard to trust, but all i take heart in, is.....
it's still not the end.
and He loves you too much to let this be the end.
please hold on, when you feel like letting go.

Aiy... said i have many many many things in my head.
Think i need to retire to my prayer closet.
Nights to the world held together by cables we'd probably never see in our entire lifetime-s.

Red is in da house!

Esther and i with our sony ericsson K610i. u have to admit how chio it is. :)
and how cool this pic looks with jon's camera function! JON'S CAM ROX. heheheh.

peekaboo!

Liangcai, Jeanie, Stella! After Pragmatics paper. I wonder why i look so happy...maybe it's 'cause i was attempting to look like their kid. hohoho!

This photo would be insignificant to me if not for Liangcai distributing it and saying i'm "freaky" cuz i "keep appearing everywhere"....but i do look kinda scary. it's like playing "circle the oddities in this picture". HAHA!

These few days i've been discussing with my dear RAWK-ON-FOREVA-SISTA about the type of issues that surround our generation these days. i am so glad to find a friend like her who shares so many of my views despite our different backgrounds. *give me a hug!haha*

The one issue we lament over is that of people who don't treat their partners right. And it's very disappointing cuz there is such a lack of commitment and faithfulness in relationships these days. Some people don't draw boundaries and they have already 'cheated' in their hearts. Some outrightly step over the line and they really hurt their girl/boyfriends in the midst; sometimes it's never known by the other party but how can people live a lie with such dark truths in their hearts? Have the hearts of Man become so darkened that they are no longer able to tell wrong from right? These are truly hard times that we live in. Sigh.

As i glossed over the conversation about a particular acquaintance, I was reminded by this song that Miss Lo shared with us in our Sec 2 Lit class...

DESPERADO

The Eagles

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You been out ridin' fences for so long now

Oh, you're a hard one

I know that you got your reasons

These things that are pleasin' you

Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy

She'll beat you if she's able

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger

Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'

Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?

The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine

It's hard to tell the night time from the day

You're losin' all your highs and lows

Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

Keeping silent on it

Every now and then, i get reminded of why i should not speak as i please regarding _.
And i am thankful because when i am reminded, i am at peace with the reasons.
But as i've said, the greatest distances spans from the heart to the head, and i know it's about dying to the biggest part of my life again--my emotions.

I am thankful to Christine for illuminating my p.o.v.
Sometimes it's funny how God can use anyone at any one time to remind me. But of course, i will be praying for discernment and confirmation.

I have been enjoying my papers and despite today's module being the hardest of all--Pragmatics--I really do thank God for the wonderful experience of encountering different cultures through my readings.
Chinese, Anglo, French, Polish, West African (nudges Sam...wongowongowongo!), Syrian, Jewish, Marathi n Hindi.
I loved West African most. They have a way of expressing their gratitude that goes...

Beneficiary tells benefactor:

"When i die, don't cry."

Which actually means:

"you have done so much for me that you are absolved from doing what any other person is expected to do when i die--crying at my funeral. Because of how i am indebted to you for doing the ultimate good for me, any other ultimate is needless."

How interesting!

Perhaps...i'll encounter it all first-hand someday. All of these cultures.
Just perhaps. ;)

Mummy loves you, jean

Last night before i slept, i held my mother's hand-she was already asleep, and i reflected on how much she had sacrificed for me and the family.
Her hand is wrinkled from years of contact with detergent and water, and scarred from burnts and cuts.
But still it has the mother's touch-smooth, soft and soothing.
It was morbid, but i thought about whether i would be ready to let her go when the time comes.
And i was very sad, as i always was upon thinking about the deaths of my family members.
Moments like this, i wish i could take back every shout and evil thought i had towards my mum. And i wish i could say more of the "I love you"s and "Thank you mummy"s and "I'm sorry"s. Words that i mean so much but say so little.
To me, mummy takes second position to God, in loving me.
She might not know me as much as i would wish, but she loves me. And i have learnt to appreciate her a whole lot more than before. I guess one good thing about growing older is you become a little wiser as well. :)

Have you appreciated your mother lately?

so blessed, i can't contain it!

On hindsight, at 3:30Am on 24th April before i slept,
I pondered and thought...
"Greatest thanks to God, it turned out to be a great birthday."
Emotional and sappy to break thru the defences, yet i was very much affirmed in the face of being loved beyond who i used to be.
Thank you Cheryl, Esther, Johann, Jon, Rach, Sam and Suhui Jie. (in alphabetical order)
Very sweet words that i hold unto, from my pillars in life. N it's great that these r not just words, but experiences that we've shared over these years. I thank God for each one of you. :)
And i enjoyed a longest 4hr MSN convo with my new-found friend, resulting in my 3:30AM bedtime. Haha... but it was a good time of talking indeed. So blessed for the things we've shared and how opened you are to everything i say. Cheers to many other good times ahead, Christine! :)

So.
I left my 22nd year feeling more renewed about His purposes for me and much clearer about many things.
His grace, my life.

Thanks to

Foolz... for sweet notes n beautiful cards n mochi, even though i ain't taking u guys anymore. thank u, u kiddos warmed my heart. ;)

Shao ming... even for just asking. i love shaoming's big, big heart that God showed me today. :)

Suhui Jie... for 2nd may, soon as it ends. :) (provence? *msn fish shaking head* ehheheh)

& Cheryl... for the 5th. (Is it gonna be romantic with candlelight n a proposal n all? HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. DON'T DO IT!)

Cuixian... for not forgetting; for never forgetting. :)

Serene dear... for Betty Crocker and Botak Jones'. Soon yeah? ;)

Lionel... for THE BOX. (hey bro, give me the jujubes! EVERY ONE OF IT BACK!!! haha) ;D

Mdm Tham... for 6:30pm Jurong East MRT. Year after year... thanks so much girl. :)

Susanna... who gives even on a day when she's supposed to receive. amazing, really. :)

Mel fam... for loving me even though i'm so mean to her. -but only because i really like her!-

Gig '07 comm & artistes... for being around and not complaining though the food was bad. (or did u guys find it good?!)

Sam... who made it possible. Your presence was felt, really! :)

Johann... who went the distance. (bro, altho u didn't choose to give me the cuter snoopy card, it's ok. i know you're applauding my maturity right. ha....)

Jon... for bothering even though u're sick. we WILL hang out soon k. :)

Esther... for wanting to do it my way. actually, the thought itself is already v.sweet. :)

Lester & Kit Yee... who dated me for reason-less meals. hmmm is it for what i think of it to be...? haha still, thank u, no matter the reason. :)

-------------------------------------------------------

so much to say but.....
in simpler terms:
Goodbye, 22.

Today will be a 36-hr day.

Today, night will not have its hold on me.
Because i have pumped caffeine into my system; because i will prevail through the toughest hours til my eyes find renewed strength; because a student's got to do what a student's got to do.
I've been at my slackest this semester, and i am currently muddling through a 40% paper that was supposed to be due three days ago!
Oh all right, i admit it...this is the result of my procrastination. YES, AGAIN!!!
-Sigh-
Somebody, slap me. (Ok nonono, pls don't. That was JUST a joke.)

Nonetheless, i am itching to wonder through the night instead. To wonder about my last lecture that happens in less than 7hours' time.
To wonder about my past four years of God's grace in NUS.
To wonder about the experiences that I've gone through in these past four years, and how i transit-ed from teendom into adulthood in this period...

I only had 8mins to soak in reminiscing just now while waiting for pa to fetch me from the mrt, and i realised...
It has truly been a VERY good 4years.

In these 4yrs, i encountered unmerited-favor n undeserved-mercy from God again n again, in periods that i simply could NOT study, even with 10cans of coffee.
It wasn't the eyes that failed me then, it was the heart. Sometimes, even the mind.
In these 4yrs, i met people who blessed my life greatly.
In these 4yrs, i learnt how to love and realised how hard it was to love me.
In these 4yrs, i built up friendships and regained some long-lost ones.
In these 4yrs, i saw miracles--being prayed for that i would not have sinus during my paper and God answered it; finding the exact ans for open-book exams with such ease i knew it wasn't myself. :)
In these 4yrs, i determined to give more than i ever did of my time and strength to serve God, and He prospered me beyond my expectations. Truly, we can never outgive Him.

And then, i also realise something: despite the fact that many people have indeed been a very close part of my life in these 4yrs--some who have came and gone; some who have always been here but are dormant now; and, some who are newcomers--noone could ever really understand and share such moments of reminiscence with me.
Noone...except God.
And standing there alone by the road, silent in my thoughts, i realised that God is really, really, my ONLY best friend.
There is not a moment in my life that was without His Presence, that He did not know of, that He was unfamiliar about, that He had to hear from someone else regarding the details, that He needed me to explain about. And down to the rawest emotion, the barest thought, no matter how ugly or beautiful it was, He was with me in it.
And He is, and He always will be.
This understanding is beyond me; It blows my mind!

-Psalm 139-

And so, being the melancholic that i am, especially so when it's all quiet and dark now, i am already missing tomorrow's last lecture.
It IS really such a privilege to be a student.
Of course, i could attend a class again: courses at church, crash a module lecture, etc.
But you know it just isn't the same.
When i'm no longer a student and it isn't my real role to be in a class and studying.

Ok, i am starting to babble... Back to work, jeanie.
Back to work. For the Glory of God.

Day 2. Wasn't too bad either. Suspicion: It may be the hectic schedule n allowance of increased caffeine intake.

God's gift today is sam ;)

today, sam wanted to look for me to spend time together in school before gig rehearsal. she lovingly walked to some faraway place and dapao-ed for me fan cai with 2veg&1tofu and an aloe vera drink. i didn't tell her that it wasn't really that good when she asked how was it, cuz her sweetness had made it all nice. :) so then sam and i had lunch. and she talked to me and let me talk. and she let me tell her things that i don't think she would have loved to hear--"there's a reason why God let her choose to tell u, sam; u have to go do something about it." but sam still let me say them to her in that lor sor n act-smart tone of mine. and she still smiled. i don't think i have many friends like that. who accept me like that. :)
then sam and i went to do work in the media room...that room that she loves and i hate. haha. but it's okay cuz sam loves to do work there. then later sam went off for her french oral and let me use her laptop. "and (earphones) if you want to listen to music." Which was so generous. :)
when sam returned from her oral, she said it wasn't too good, "but better than the last time." and yet she was smiling. it wasn't a bitter-sweet smile like the last time, though. it was the same smile that she greeted me with earlier when she bought lunch, when she also told me that her gem test wasn't too good. it was a "i've learnt to let go" smile. i am very proud of sam. and i thank God for her heart that's learning to let go and let God. :)

Today...i didn't tell sam i love her. cuz really, deep down, i felt more loved by her than ever before. thank you for making my day, sam. the sun shines brighter because of friends like you. :)
here's smthg for u, to say you're such a precious one. :)
(i can't believe i only have 12 pictures of sam!we need a photo-taking session soon!)

i am challenged

i am challenged...
...that as i walk through desserts, i will wait til my dryland floods with the rain of God rather than be satisfied with it trickling with mudwater that i'd be trying like crazy to dig up from the hard sand.

hey love

Oh. his tiny head is four times smaller than mine: and it's real warm and soft. Nice. ;)
Being a proud "ah mai" (aunty in Hainanese, our dialect) of Cayden, i've learnt a little about love.


-When i love you, it's not about me; It's about you.-

I remember when Cayden was first borned and we went to the hospital so excitedly. For nine months, i'd watched this THING grow and grow--but only in the form of my sister's tummy size--til God had made every part of his body and he was ready for all the world to see him. I could hardly wait to see him and prior to the set date of his delivery, i couldn't even sleep properly. i knew i would have free access to him, cuz he was the son of my beloved sister, who loved me and would trust him in my hands.

Yet on the first day that i saw him, i barely touched him. Don't mistaken my meaning; he's a darling. He melted my heart the moment i saw him, more so because i know how much his mother went through for him to finally emerge, and i love his mother. I have to admit i didn't love cayden til i saw him in full form. Haha, how honest.

But really, i kept my hands away from him though i would love so much to cuddle him because i knew he was still very fragile and i didn't want to discomfort him or spread any germs to him unknowingly. I wouldn't want him to suffer. it was weird, seeing my brother n relatives all rushing to want to carry him though he really looked more comfortable sleeping and resting in his cot. i wondered why i didn't fight to have him. though i do love him.

but of course, i've had my share of carrying him since then.
but these days, the same principle applies.
I could travel 1hour from yew tee to kembangan, walk that long road infested with crows that have no fear of humans into my sister's place, just to see cayden and hope to play with him. But today when i arrived and he was sleepy, i told my sister it's okay not to have him awake to play with, cuz what he'd really be happier doing would be to sleep. and i would love for cayden to be happy.

and then, isn't that a glimpse of what real love is? cause when u really love, you just need the person to be happy. it's a high order; and i'm glad having cayden around has shown me a hint of this calling. well, it's one thing to know and another to do....
I'll be learning.

Day 1. Moderate. Can't really tell effects.

Soon to bid farewell.

jasmine, jeanie n yingzhi. The 2 pals whose presence God used to make NUS a place like home for me. *thanks, gals*
Saluting the shelves where we get our rough papers from--they are actually course descriptions. Well, we're helping to save the trees, since no1 uses these papers anyway...All right BAD excuse. Haha!
For 16 years of my life I'd been crying out loud for school to end.
And finally, the end has come.
It's my last semester at NUS. It's scary, it's sad, and i'm trying hard to appreciate every of my final days as a student. Especially in this place that God has graciously granted me a place in. I will never forget how, while studying for my A's in NUS library (i was sneaked in by my friend), i looked around and wished so much it would be a place i could rightfully be at. Well, A levels were a nightmare for me and so were my results.
C, C, D. What crap, I thought when i saw these awful grades. I cried while walking out from ACJC, i remember.
Regretting, lamenting, despairing. What a mess i'd made out of my privilege to go to a JC.
Was there still hope? i thought bleakly.
I still tried, though. Attended a University Fair with suit-cladded and smiles-filled spokespersons whose countenances immediately changed whenever i revealed my grades. I left with my head hung low, wondering what anyone could do with a disappointment like me.
But what people discard, God uses.
What people despise, God embraces.
What people reject, God opens a door for.
I submitted my applications to NUS, asking God to have His grace upon and allow me to enter so mummy and papa's efforts in working and scrimping and saving so hard to see me to university wouldn't be wasted. My parents' hearts really matter to me. Their smiles are priceless, i tell u. =)
And as they say, the rest is history. It's been an enjoyable 31/2 yrs majoring in English Language. It wasn't what i initially chose to do, but i've come to love it so much, really. Thank God that i've love for what i do--not everyone enjoys their responsibilities in life u know. And human as i am, i definitely must admit how i sometimes still screwed up and therefore took my plc in NUS for granted.
Yet God's grace has been constantly magnificently abundant upon my life. I should have no reason to complain; godliness with contentment is GREAT gain. I'm learning that.

And something sweet to sleep on tonight: His banner over me is LOVE.

To give what we can never keep, to gain what we can never lose.

I always thought that money's not much of an issue to me. I always thought that it's easy for me to part with mammon cuz there were occasions i could spend so much on people i love. But a few occasions did make me wary, though i brushed them aside as involving other issues--being taken for granted, de cun jin chi...etc.

But today, I finally came to terms with this great weakness. It was a very small issue, but i found this deep darkness rising up within my heart, and the ones around me surely did not notice it. I am ashamed, cuz sometimes i act too well. But God knows my heart. I asked for resolution and the ability to let it go, but i simply couldn't.
It's such a small amount, Jeanie. Come on..!?!?

Yet later, while listening to CHC's Crossing Over, this line just spoke to me that i had to listen to it twice.
"To give what we can never keep, to gain what we can never lose."
Amen!
My heart went. At last, i surrendered and let go.
Money, for one, is something i can NEVER keep. What foolishness it would be to think it can secure me.

I won't say God is done with me in this aspect. It's just my first step; but at least, it's my first. Til the day of perfection, here's encouraging one and all to not hold onto tangibles that fade to dust and have nothing that we can count on.

As Jesus once said,
"Therefore if you have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches?" Luke 16:11
I hear You, Lord.

Powerpacked life

Much has happened over one week.

The sermons over the weekend at church were good--What to do when facing adversitites (James 5:7-12), Giftings. ALTHOUGH, i must say, i didn't find the cowbells joke very funny. Jeremy n Daniel are just still little boys all right..Ha...never mind.

Stayed at jie's place, and once again got reminded of things one learns from watching a pregnancy. How precious n amazing life is, simply cuz the One who gives it makes it to be so.

And I went for leaders' retreat, despite an initial decision not to, and boy, do i thank God for it. As i told pastor ronald, there was good fellowship & fun -ARTICULATE ROCKS-, strengthened friendships, good reminders, life-applicable lessons frm the high-ropes courses. Dirty, cranky place, but fun =)
And then i returned and suffered from concussion. Get onto MRT, sleep. Get into Pa's cab, sleep. Taxi move, sleep. Taxi stop, sleep. Get onto bed, sleep. Zzzz. The Z-monster got me at hello. But it was goooood man. Sleep that was so deep it blocked out all nightmares n dreams. Bliss =)

Thursday came and i finally stepped into Settler's Cafe for the very first time. Guess what was our favourite game? OF COURSE it was ARTICULATE! haha... siao right? Can have free access to the game still pay to play it. But it was more engaging than all the other board games man. I do think they charge too much for their services and i commented on that in their feedback form (ah, must see whose mentee i am...ahahahha). But the campany (my NUS mates) made it all fun. Jasmine just bothered about winning and passed every card even if i guessed the wrong words; Matthew looked so eager n excited i thought he was gonna pop anytime; Shaun's saliva was shooting everywhere; Winifred was shy yet sporting despite her first time with us (winifred is jasmine's sister); and i, as usual, was real bad with WORLD. (PERSON still not so bad...everything i just guess "ayatollah" first. My first choice for most NATURE cards: "venus flytrap". Ha! The problem with prior experience.)

Today, i rebonded my hair. EVENTUALLY man. After months of hesitation. Mummy's reward to me for my results, thank God =) Four and a half hours of waiting that gave me buttache, but all worthwhile when my hair's inevitably neat now. Yayee.

Then it was a friendly Christmas party at Kent Vale where i met people from all nations, appreciated our diversities, and then shared my thankfulness about Christmas with them. I was passionate, and glad to be, though they might have thought me mad. But hey, Jesus came just to die, for me!
I like this story the host shared, and i shall end off with this, though I've much to talk about the above events. But i shall retire to Lala-land for now. My throat hurts in a funny fashion, and I've been feeling dazed the entire party. Here's the story (my adaptation):

A man was walking down the street. He saw a group of sparrows hopping about some crumbs. Interested and wanting to go near them for a closer look, he walked towards the flock. But as he was about to reach the little birds, they hurriedly flew away. Disappointed, he thought to himself why they were so afraid. Then, he realised. To be among the small sparrows, without them fearing a big and more powerful creature like him, he would need to become one of them. In the same way, Jesus came in the form of a Man, so that He could walk among His people, and they would not need to fear Him. So that He could experience what they experience, and understand them. He never needed to do that, but He did. My great God did. For me, and for YOU. =)

Goodnight everybody. =)

the spawn of a new blog

There was a glitch in the NUS system and the honours cohort was passing around the webby to check our results (the actual date was 26th Dec). I was slightly jittery as i entered my matriculation number and pin number. And then the table of grades emerged faster than i thought it would. All Bs and ONE A. Hey, that's crazy. THAT'S CRAZY! How could i have gotten an A?! How could i have even gotten average Bs? Especially when level 4000 modules do not base students' grades on a bell curve (ie. if there are some students who simply don't study and score badly, you might be able to get an A even if you are usually B-grade material, thanks to them.) But level 4000 modules are....you get what you give. If you are C-grade material, you just get a C, no questions asked.

This past sem was crazily unstudious and inconsistent. I lacked sleep, I lazed, I served in church drama production in the midst of exams (grudgingly and fearfully most times due to lack of faith, I shamefully admit.), I grieved deeply over an extremely painful loss more than i revised. So much more that warranted me grades that would lower my CAP. Esther and Rachel who studied with me (and Suhui Jie who i talked to most times in the midst of exams) can testify that I truly don't deserve the grades i get, and you know what?

It simply is God.

I won't bother to wonder how well i answered certain questions, which essays i excelled in that gave me that A, how i actually scored at the exams though i thought I flunked it straight through. I won't, cuz i KNOW these grades are a gift. From Him, to me. :) I just need to shout out His grace, His Love and His Mercy! 7 semesters already, He has never failed me in any one at all. I've never expected it, knowing i always took my place in NUS granted, yet just when i needed a reminder of His Love, HERE IT IS. How apt the following song is :)

In Christ Alone

-Michael English

In Christ alone will I glory

Though I could pride myself

In battles won

For I've been blessed beyond measure

And by His strength alone, I overcome

Oh, I could stop and count successes

Like diamonds in my hands

But these trophies could not equal

To the grace, by which I stand

In Christ aloneI place my trust

And find my glory In the power of the cross

In every victory

Let it be said of me

My source of strength

My source of hope

Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory

For only by His grace

I am redeemed

And only His tender mercy

Could reach beyond my weakness

To my need

Now I seek no greater honor

Than just to know Him more

And to count my gains but losses

And to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone

I place my trust

And find my glory

In the power of the cross

In every victory

Let it be said of me

My source of strength

My source of hope

Is Christ alone